New Year is NOT A THING.

 Now that it's officially the new year, I can officially say this: JUST BECAUSE WE ARE IN 2021, DOES NOT MEAN EVERYTHING THAT OCCURED IN 2020 DIDN'T HAPPEN. 

What kind of delusional world do you people need to be living in not to be able to realize that January 1 does not start any slate clean? "New Year" only applies to self- Your own self accountability and improvement. COVID-19 (which was discovered in 2019, by the way) did not disappear in 2020. In fact, it got worse. Just because 2020 is over, doesn't mean that COVID-19 is magically fucking gone.

This is a slur and also incredibly ableist and  we shouldn't use these words but people are so STUPID. I was going to use the R word which was canceled a few years back but I'm not. I just can not believe this entire thing was a political battle the entire last year and there were so many people who don't think the state of affairs is real- that it's some sort of government scheme. I really do not understand how ADULTS are out there in this world like that. Where is the education? Where is the common sense? There is no reason not to know something nowadays. We have the INTERNET. All the knowledge anyone could ever want to know is at the tips of our fingertips on a search engine called Google, and yet here we still are. 

WHY. 

Ok, But I'm Going to Complain The Entire Time.

 2020, the laziest year of my life as an able bodied individual. I'm not counting the years I was incapacitated due to my mental and physical health and could not to much more than lie in bed and get myself to the bathroom sometimes as well as force down 1 slice of salami or a piece of cheese per day as sustenance. Good times. 

Due to COVID-19, my holiday gig didn't open this year. I found myself with nothing to do and so I went looking for something. I stumbled upon what was called a "virtual marathon" via a Facebook ad. Like a real marathon, minus the people. I'm not a runner, never have been, never will be, running sucks, my knees hurt, etc etc. However, I have always been INTERESTED in them because I wanted the prize. The shiny medal at the end to hang around my neck. I even wanted to sign up for the 5 Boro Bike Tour because I wanted the medal. Unfortunately it never happened because by the time I tried to sign up, it was too expensive for me to do so- I had to be on a team and raise $900 to participate. Noooo thanks. I dropped the dream to do other things, such as work my life away. Until now. I decided I would only be out $20 something if it turned out to be a scam, as many Facebook ads seem to be. They sent the package the next day, I was surprised. There was a race bib, the medal, a hat, and energy bar. I was pretty thrilled. The one downside was now that I had the medal in hand, did I REALLY have to do anything? I have it already. I decided to go the honest route and not cheat myself or lie to others and actually do the marathon. 

Days turned into weeks, and I never got around to doing it. Why? Because I'm LAZY. I hate exercise. -Back in the day when I mentioned to my co-workers I was going to pick up ice skating as a form of exercise, one of them said, "you're always looking for the easy way out". My rebuttal? "That's right". I'm not going to deny that I hate exercise. It's sweaty and tiring and hot and all around yuck. Why anyone loves to work out or be active is beyond me. Yet here I am, with this medal in hand which I have already paid for, having to make good on it. I picked a day, got out of bed, and begrudgingly did my 5k walk. It started snowing as soon as I got to the corner of my street. It was windy. It was cold. I was very upset. I had already started, so I might as well keep going. I had read the rules of this virtual marathon, and while some let you finish at your own pace, this particular company would PREFER if you did it in one go. And so, I did while complaining the entire time. 

I ended up going home when I thought I made the 5k, but I had read my Strava stats wrong and mistook the speed I was walking for distance only to go home and find out I was a mile short. Infuriating, as I had to go back outside and continue my walk. In the end, I did it and I earned this medal which I really didn't NEED to as it was already in my possession. It was still a nice thing to do, I suppose. It wasn't too bad in retrospect. 

I ended up doing another virtual marathon/challenge through another company. It was a Facebook advertisement, but the medal was so beautiful that I had to have it. I even roped a friend into doing it with me. We finished in about 2.5 weeks, and are both waiting for the medal in the mail, which is incredibly delayed due to USPS being.... the USPS during the holidays. This company holds the medal until the participant completes the distance, which I like a little bit more because it makes you have it in mind as you work towards it. There's still ways to cheat, which I found some guy at my ice rink had also gotten roped in through the same Facebook ad, but he "finished it already" largely by recording absolute BS numbers every day until he made the distance. Cheater. Whelp, that's why we aren't friends. This virtual challenge thing isn't too bad, all things considered. Especially if one is motivated by the shiny prize, which I sure am. 

Quite Unmotivated

Do you ever have a lot that you want to do, but when it comes down to it, you have no motivation to do it? I am in that current state. I have nothing but time due to the fact I don't think I am working anymore. I haven't been on the schedule for last week or this week, and I did ask if I had any shifts and the owner of the shop I work at said I did, but never got back to me on the schedule. I am not pressed about it as COVID-19 cases are going up, not to mention the guy is super weird. He has cameras placed all over, and listens in on conversations, which I am pretty certain is a crime. He has this strange dictator-god complex and honestly I don't hear anything good about him from coworkers when they have a chance to speak to me in whispers so as he doesn't hear it. Not to mention he added me on Facebook, which I didn't accept because I don't know him. Even if I did, I do not accept friend requests from people I work with because that's just weird. I was going to go back and screencap his public profile because his friends list was all Asian girls but when I just checked now, he has unfriended me and possibly blocked me because I don't see his profile anywhere even when I searched for it. This leads me to believe he has an Asian fetish and it's the only reason he hired me. Others tell me he is two faced and passive aggressive. Always showing his better side to you and feigning innocence that he hasn't said horrible things about you behind your back. Oh well. I don't need that sort of toxic negativity in my life. That said, I have SO much time and SO many things I want to do, BUT I would rather sit in bed and relax, watch youtube and netflix, and be lazy. It's just so refreshing. I've said that all year because it's just been so nice not working for once. I work 2-3 jobs at a time, and I love that this pandemic has allowed me to work zero jobs while giving me money from the government in the form of pandemic unemployment assistance and stimulus/disaster relief. My grand plan when I stopped working due to COVID was to be free until January and look for work then dependent on the situation, so I'm pretty sure I'm currently living out the life I have manifested for myself those months ago. It's sure nice and I am grateful that I can do this. 

Whelp, nothing more to report other than I am feeling like a sloth. So many things I wanted to get to. So many grand plans. Nothing done. In the meantime, I'll leave this nice little video I did a few weeks ago because I love when apps tell me I'm much younger than I actually am.

Medical Marijuana.

This past November, I became a NYS MMJ patient. For those not in the know, New York State Medical Marijuana program. It's ironic, because today's Facebook memories included a status I posted exactly 9 years ago in which I was seeking help for my panic attacks, which was then undiagnosed C-PTSD and the doctor gave me 2 brown paper sandwich bags and essentially told me to fuck off. Didn't help at all. That was the beginning of me getting worse, seeking help which made it worse because no one gave a shit, then turned into a bunch of controlled substances thrown at me which eventually led me to start abusing them, which then I found some enabling doctors who were awesome. After a few years of that I decided this was all stupid and if I simply avoided triggering the PTSD I could live a normal life, so I quit cold turkey which was not good, told my psychiatrist who gave me the same, "you could have died" talk which he would always give me when I told him the cocktails of drugs I took, and that was that. 

Just a side note, don't do that. Also find yourself a cool doctor that you can be completely honest with because it is important that they know HOW you're killing yourself. In my experience, they don't intervene. They just shake their heads and pinch their nose bridges and let you live your best life as long as you are still a functioning member of society. If you're a deadbeat you might be in for an intervention, js. 

Eventually the withdrawal effects went away and I stopped abusing but I was still being written prescriptions which I stashed away for emergencies, because all in all they didn't work that well anyway aside from getting me FUCKED UP and giving me some good sleeps, which, when you are suffering from PTSD, sleep (along with anything really) is a luxury. I kept complaining that anything prescribed to me wasn't working, and one day I think the psychiatrist was at the end of his rope and told me to move to California and smoke weed. I had thought about this as it was the only thing I haven't tried after taking literally every single prescription psychiatric solution there was in the market, but PTSD was not a qualifying condition at the time. It didn't become a qualifying condition until 2017. I decided to self medicate by buying online from a Cali retailer who had a front as a window pane shop. heaven sent, those guys. They will never know what life savers they were. I did my research by googling "best marijuana for PTSD" and ordered the suggested strains. It was awful. I hated being high, and most of what I bought put me straight to sleep as quickly and heavily as Xanax did. I found 1 strain that really did help me called Trainwreck. That was the only one I used. It allowed me to function in society without getting too many bright ideas all the time and didn't leave me tired or plain stoned. Eventually, I stopped that as well and went about my life finally unbothered.

Cut to now. I'm not going to blame 2020 for my problems, but some things have happened as a result of COVID-19 and the team of providers I have built up to manage my care has dissolved due to businesses suffering. They have been furloughed or have moved on to opening their own practices which either do not take insurance at all, or do not accept my insurance. That's life, can't be mad at people moving on. This means I need to search for and create another team of care providers which is a huge task and very few people in the medical field are sensitive to patient needs, have good beside manner, or are even in the industry for the right reason. Having to explain my medical history and put myself in uncomfortable situations has really taken a toll on me, constantly triggering panic attacks. This is not good for my mental health and I did not want to take prescription medications again. I am not against them by any means- I had the time of my life while I was abusing them (again, I don't recommend this), but I just hate the way they made me feel after the fact due to the half life of the medication staying in my system. 

As the universe works in funny ways, I was scrolling on social media and saw something which reminded me of MMJ. I remembered that I now qualify for it due to PTSD being added to the list of qualifying conditions in 2017. I reached out to a doctor to ask some questions, was given the recommendation, applied, and here I am. I am still trying it out as I haven't had the card for more than a few weeks, but I can say I wake up feeling amazing when I have taken a dose the night before. I hate being high so I'm currently using CBD dominant capsules, however they aren't terribly effective when I tested them in an aggravating situation, so I'll have to figure that one out. For now, dosing every other night or every 3 nights has been working out pretty well for my general mood and also helps to quiet intrusive thoughts. Using or dosing during situations, meh. I'm working on it. Before I started I spoke to the dispensary's in house pharmacist about how I should begin, and now that I have a grasp on it, I have a follow up appointment soon. I feel a bit silly doing to be honest since NYS dispensary products are slim pickins. you have 5 choices of strengths, no strains since it's not recreational. But what can I do. This is just the easiest thing rather than going around looking for people to provide me with a certain strain only. They tend to give me looks, like how dare I have the AUDACITY to ask for a specific strain, and refuse to accept anything else. Listen, I'm just trying to get some medication in me. Not trying to get high for sport over here. The day I decide to go recreational, I'll take whatever you got. Not right now though, I'm dealing with some problems and I need to fix them. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll find my solution. Sometime in the next year I might have my new care team established. But for now, this is what it is. I can only hope that I can find relief through the MMJ program by giving a few more of their sparse selection a try, and if Trainwreck falls into my possession, that would be great. I prefer vape cartridges, thank you in advance, Universe if you're listening.