Medical Marijuana.

This past November, I became a NYS MMJ patient. For those not in the know, New York State Medical Marijuana program. It's ironic, because today's Facebook memories included a status I posted exactly 9 years ago in which I was seeking help for my panic attacks, which was then undiagnosed C-PTSD and the doctor gave me 2 brown paper sandwich bags and essentially told me to fuck off. Didn't help at all. That was the beginning of me getting worse, seeking help which made it worse because no one gave a shit, then turned into a bunch of controlled substances thrown at me which eventually led me to start abusing them, which then I found some enabling doctors who were awesome. After a few years of that I decided this was all stupid and if I simply avoided triggering the PTSD I could live a normal life, so I quit cold turkey which was not good, told my psychiatrist who gave me the same, "you could have died" talk which he would always give me when I told him the cocktails of drugs I took, and that was that. 

Just a side note, don't do that. Also find yourself a cool doctor that you can be completely honest with because it is important that they know HOW you're killing yourself. In my experience, they don't intervene. They just shake their heads and pinch their nose bridges and let you live your best life as long as you are still a functioning member of society. If you're a deadbeat you might be in for an intervention, js. 

Eventually the withdrawal effects went away and I stopped abusing but I was still being written prescriptions which I stashed away for emergencies, because all in all they didn't work that well anyway aside from getting me FUCKED UP and giving me some good sleeps, which, when you are suffering from PTSD, sleep (along with anything really) is a luxury. I kept complaining that anything prescribed to me wasn't working, and one day I think the psychiatrist was at the end of his rope and told me to move to California and smoke weed. I had thought about this as it was the only thing I haven't tried after taking literally every single prescription psychiatric solution there was in the market, but PTSD was not a qualifying condition at the time. It didn't become a qualifying condition until 2017. I decided to self medicate by buying online from a Cali retailer who had a front as a window pane shop. heaven sent, those guys. They will never know what life savers they were. I did my research by googling "best marijuana for PTSD" and ordered the suggested strains. It was awful. I hated being high, and most of what I bought put me straight to sleep as quickly and heavily as Xanax did. I found 1 strain that really did help me called Trainwreck. That was the only one I used. It allowed me to function in society without getting too many bright ideas all the time and didn't leave me tired or plain stoned. Eventually, I stopped that as well and went about my life finally unbothered.

Cut to now. I'm not going to blame 2020 for my problems, but some things have happened as a result of COVID-19 and the team of providers I have built up to manage my care has dissolved due to businesses suffering. They have been furloughed or have moved on to opening their own practices which either do not take insurance at all, or do not accept my insurance. That's life, can't be mad at people moving on. This means I need to search for and create another team of care providers which is a huge task and very few people in the medical field are sensitive to patient needs, have good beside manner, or are even in the industry for the right reason. Having to explain my medical history and put myself in uncomfortable situations has really taken a toll on me, constantly triggering panic attacks. This is not good for my mental health and I did not want to take prescription medications again. I am not against them by any means- I had the time of my life while I was abusing them (again, I don't recommend this), but I just hate the way they made me feel after the fact due to the half life of the medication staying in my system. 

As the universe works in funny ways, I was scrolling on social media and saw something which reminded me of MMJ. I remembered that I now qualify for it due to PTSD being added to the list of qualifying conditions in 2017. I reached out to a doctor to ask some questions, was given the recommendation, applied, and here I am. I am still trying it out as I haven't had the card for more than a few weeks, but I can say I wake up feeling amazing when I have taken a dose the night before. I hate being high so I'm currently using CBD dominant capsules, however they aren't terribly effective when I tested them in an aggravating situation, so I'll have to figure that one out. For now, dosing every other night or every 3 nights has been working out pretty well for my general mood and also helps to quiet intrusive thoughts. Using or dosing during situations, meh. I'm working on it. Before I started I spoke to the dispensary's in house pharmacist about how I should begin, and now that I have a grasp on it, I have a follow up appointment soon. I feel a bit silly doing to be honest since NYS dispensary products are slim pickins. you have 5 choices of strengths, no strains since it's not recreational. But what can I do. This is just the easiest thing rather than going around looking for people to provide me with a certain strain only. They tend to give me looks, like how dare I have the AUDACITY to ask for a specific strain, and refuse to accept anything else. Listen, I'm just trying to get some medication in me. Not trying to get high for sport over here. The day I decide to go recreational, I'll take whatever you got. Not right now though, I'm dealing with some problems and I need to fix them. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll find my solution. Sometime in the next year I might have my new care team established. But for now, this is what it is. I can only hope that I can find relief through the MMJ program by giving a few more of their sparse selection a try, and if Trainwreck falls into my possession, that would be great. I prefer vape cartridges, thank you in advance, Universe if you're listening.